Body Horror

     I have made it a habit over the past decade to do a photo shoot every time I have a major event happen with my Crohn's Disease.  Why do I do this? Well, there is no simple answer that I can point to, but mostly I do it for two reasons.  The first is to document what the disease has done to my body and how I bounce back from that (if I do), and secondly, to show people what it is really like to live with this disease.  The commercials on TV and many Crohn's influencers only show a G rated version of the day to day struggles and also the major body trauma that we go through.  The physical trauma is easier to process for those that do not have the disease.  It is something visual and concrete.  Which is very much unlike the psychological trauma that accompanies it.  I also hope that those who see themselves in these photos know that they are not alone.

     I have seen countless cries for help online, both tweets and facebook group posts, of people that are sad, angry, and lost.  They feel like there is no hope, and they feel bad for feeling this way.  I always try to tell them that these feelings are normal, but many times, I am the lone voice on that side of the fence.  Many of the messages are: "praying for you!, You'll get through this!, Stay strong!" etc etc.  Where does this need for constant positivity come from?  Why do we constantly force ourselves to "fake it until we make it"? I say bullshit.  Our feelings are valid, and we should never be unsure about expressing just how shitty we feel.

     That is why I called this new photo series Body Horror. Because it is a horror.  The tests and procedures I had to do during my 2 week + hospital stay, the surgery, the healing, the bruising, the blood, the shit, the scars, the staples, the tubes, the needles, the panic, and the fear all exploding out of a 90lb body.  Be mad, be angry, be sad.  It is ok.  These feelings are scary and not to be taken lightly, but they are your feelings.  You did not make them up.  They may seem permanent, but I assure you they are not.  They may return from time to time, and many times at the worst of times, but they are not permanent.  No feeling is permanent.  Kick, scream, cry, shout, and flail.  Then get on with your life the best you can.  Pushing it down or ignoring it only makes it worse for you and for those around you.  Let it out and live without.

All Photos by Jake Rains

These photos were taken 2 days after leaving the hospital in January of 2020

Body By Crohn's

          It's been almost two years since I first did a photo shoot entitled "Body Image" with photos taken by Anthony Lanza of Lanza Photography and posted it here for the world to see.  It got a lot of feedback.  Some positive, some negative, but mostly positive.  It has been a long and hard two years since then.  Many things have changed, even more pieces of me are gone, and the journey is no where near at an end.  I think this latest shoot, a collaboration with Jake Rains of Jake Rains Photography entitled "Body by Crohn's" shows me a little worse for wear.  I believe that to be accurate.  I've been fighting hard for over three years to survive what this disease does.  I have a long way to go and I know there are many out there who have a fight even harder than mine.  This disease takes not only a physical toll, but an emotional and psychological one as well.  I've been to the darkest side of myself many times, but have always been able to return, however each journey there and back chips away at your very existence.  I hope that these pictures have captured that and can speak to others that even the strongest among us carry battle scars and they are a heavy burden.  Together we can share the load.