Body Horror

     I have made it a habit over the past decade to do a photo shoot every time I have a major event happen with my Crohn's Disease.  Why do I do this? Well, there is no simple answer that I can point to, but mostly I do it for two reasons.  The first is to document what the disease has done to my body and how I bounce back from that (if I do), and secondly, to show people what it is really like to live with this disease.  The commercials on TV and many Crohn's influencers only show a G rated version of the day to day struggles and also the major body trauma that we go through.  The physical trauma is easier to process for those that do not have the disease.  It is something visual and concrete.  Which is very much unlike the psychological trauma that accompanies it.  I also hope that those who see themselves in these photos know that they are not alone.

     I have seen countless cries for help online, both tweets and facebook group posts, of people that are sad, angry, and lost.  They feel like there is no hope, and they feel bad for feeling this way.  I always try to tell them that these feelings are normal, but many times, I am the lone voice on that side of the fence.  Many of the messages are: "praying for you!, You'll get through this!, Stay strong!" etc etc.  Where does this need for constant positivity come from?  Why do we constantly force ourselves to "fake it until we make it"? I say bullshit.  Our feelings are valid, and we should never be unsure about expressing just how shitty we feel.

     That is why I called this new photo series Body Horror. Because it is a horror.  The tests and procedures I had to do during my 2 week + hospital stay, the surgery, the healing, the bruising, the blood, the shit, the scars, the staples, the tubes, the needles, the panic, and the fear all exploding out of a 90lb body.  Be mad, be angry, be sad.  It is ok.  These feelings are scary and not to be taken lightly, but they are your feelings.  You did not make them up.  They may seem permanent, but I assure you they are not.  They may return from time to time, and many times at the worst of times, but they are not permanent.  No feeling is permanent.  Kick, scream, cry, shout, and flail.  Then get on with your life the best you can.  Pushing it down or ignoring it only makes it worse for you and for those around you.  Let it out and live without.

All Photos by Jake Rains

These photos were taken 2 days after leaving the hospital in January of 2020